The last week has been...difficult.
The anniversary.
The minefield of not only my emotions but the potential explosions from family members. Last year, the family's behavior almost destroyed me.
This year, it was much, much quieter...to the point of being ignored. Avoided. They don't consider me in the inner circle of dealing with Mom's passing.
Oh well. It's the pattern of this family.
In my current situation (irresponsible soon-to-be-ex with his head in the clouds living in another state and visiting my struggling with his health dad who lives in his own la la land) I feel very stuck. frustrated. and I am struggling to make sense of this life.
Where do I go from here and how do I get there?
My father has started with his criticisms. I cannot stomach it, not as an adult who is doing her best to take care of him. I won't tolerate his downward spiral of bad behavior - never have and never will. It takes its toll on me. And my babies suffer for me not being at the top of my game. I'm weary. Sometimes desperate. Today I drank for relief, after prayer.
Childhood was lonely except for my rich imagination. I had my books and dolls. In my teens I still escaped into books.
I got used to not having anyone else. But it sure felt great to have a friend. I have awesome friends now, but in the end no one can figure this out for me. I have to walk this thing out.
I am so tired. I don't want to mess up for my kids' sakes. They deserve the best, and it breaks my heart that they've already endured such a bad example of God's ways. He's so not the author of confusion and craziness. In taking them away from the madness, my desire is for them to see His Hand in the midst of all of this, His provision, His goodness and grace.
Lord please don't let me falter or fail. Please let me be stronger, better, a good example for them.
I want God's best for my kids. Their life should be about stability and fun and dependability and security. For years I have been the one making Christmas and birthdays happen, often challenged by him and alone in it. I've wanted to make every holiday matter, to make school rich and field trips fun. When I run out of steam, they suffer.
My kids are so amazing! Truly God's gift to me. I long for them to have the happiest childhood memories, of tradition and warmth, a sense of history and family, their feet firmly grounded in God and walking closely with Him from a young age.
I've stood between them and my Mom when she couldn't control herself and took her wrath full on. I've shielded them as much as I can from a foolish dad who puts them in crazy situations. I haven't even scratched the surface about the precarious places/situations we've endured because of his choices.
By Your grace and goodness, Lord please let me step carefully, full of Your wisdom and guided by You. Help me, God, for my children's sakes to make the best choices and forge a life of stability. As You have helped me before, please help me again. Be my Loving Dad and Nurturing Mom, My Guide, Shield and Protector. My Lord and Friend, the Shepherd of my life and my kids' lives.
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