Alone Again...Naturally

To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright and gay,

Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,

The role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down,

Reality came around

And without so much as a mere touch,

Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt, All about God and His mercy

For if He really does exist

Why did He desert me In my hour of need?

I truly am indeed, Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that There are more hearts

Broken in the world That can't be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?                                                  

Know this song?  One of my favorites when I was little, probably at 7 or 8.  I remember singing along to the cassette and feeling the melancholy wash over me.  I've always been drawn to sad songs.  Another favorite song from childhood was a lesser known track on Debby Boone's "You Light Up My Life" album called "Micol's Theme," so very tragic.

Micol, there was a time for us

Long ago there was a time for us

When the fields were green and the sun was warm

and the days of love and laughter went on and on

But now it's changing, all around I see it changing

When there's nothing left, there's nothing left to say

The laughter dies, love fades away

...Now the days turned cold, all the love is gone

Loneliness. 

A familiar theme throughout my life. My earliest memories, being secure in my own skin but feeling always very alone. I remember at three, contemplating the world around me yet feeling somewhat removed from it. An observer. Influenced certainly from being displaced several times at that early age, sent to live my aunt when my mother went through periods of illness as well as the birth of my sister. Sent away to a cherished aunt who doted on me but not understanding why my own mother wasn't there. And the feelings have remained since she was never accessible to me for the rest of her life. The stage was prophetically set at that early age.

Loneliness. 

A faithful companion. I am not uncomfortable in its presence because I know it so well. I discovered a long time ago that God truly transcends even that place - He has walked with me in it. I've often longed for human companionship to banish that state but no longer expect it. God has faithfully communed with me there. The holes in my soul, He will make whole. In my frailty when I long for more or try to fill it myself and fail. My feeble attempts making messes, He gently comforts and heals. The holes in my soul, He will make whole. Until then, He is enough.

Adventures throughout history and all over the world were at my fingertips in the books I devoured as a child. Dancing with abandon in my room as a teen, escaping the confines of my life by flipping on the strobe light and losing myself in the music, comedy and tragedy, playing every role to an invisible but captive audience. A lonely graduation from high school, then having to figure out my life's direction, alone of course. Grace intervened and welcomed me back with open arms. God was with me. But still the same aloneness. 

Off to Bible school, I didn't know how alone I was until the first time I was invited into a group and saw how others lived. My experiences had been school, work, home, bank, grocery, shopping, always by myself. Driving here and there, chatting to God. Just me and God. But I started to wonder why I was always alone and wished for a real friend. Graduation from Bible school...oh the loneliness stung! Thousands of miles from home, not a face in the crowd. No celebratory dinners or proud smiles just for me. But the Lord sent His Word to me through the commencement address, the reminder of the priceless value of even a damaged Picasso and how He uses chipped vessels that have endured versus beautiful but fragile porcelain ones. Thank You Lord. By the time I boarded the plane to Africa, being alone was a matter of fact. Totally expected. I embraced it. 

Preparing for my wedding and even the wedding day...never expected the loneliness then. I pressed through it, pushed down the sadness like I always did. But the sorrow lingered. I tucked it away. 

Pregnancies weren't so bad, but the first moments of motherhood and the fragile weeks afterwards were tremendously lonely times. The pain from those days still brings tears. Abandoned by most of my family during the first birth, I had to figure out everything on my own. Then I lost my hair. First baby, bald head. Alone. Bad. After the birth of the second baby, a long period of isolation due to post partum depression - like screaming behind thick walls that no one could hear or penetrate. The hospitalization of my third baby days after birth in a strange new city. No friends, no family. Could a shattered heart ever be pieced back together? I held onto my little ones and pressed through it like I always did. It's the only thing I knew to do.

At some point, the loneliness in marriage and disconnect from God seemed too topsy-turvy. I wanted to be intimately close again to the God Who had always been there for me in the shadows, the only Light to ever penetrate the gloom. As I drew nearer to Him, the dawn started to emerge in my soul. Weights lifted off of me, literally. The things that promoted destruction in my life had to be let go of to embrace the things that produced life. Today, I am faced with navigating many changes for me and for my children...and there are still moments of loneliness. But as always, the faithful Presence of God is so near. And He has sent dear friends to help. I ask Him into the dark hours and try to at least address it in some way. Even a flickering candle penetrates the black.