Shifting Sand

1.  He had a degree and a decent job when he asked her to marry him.  Then he decided that he needed to do other things and left the job, dabbling in this and that.  The addition of children did not hinder his wandering from scheme to scheme, temporary this and that, this master of his own destiny.  No health insurance.  Dodging bill collectors. Bankruptcy. Foreclosure. Baby number one and two, moving around and around, no plan or preparation.  The imminent arrival of baby three.  Her family is angry. disgusted. frustrated that he doesn't see his irresponsibility and selfishness.

2.  He had a degree and a decent job when he asked her to marry him.  Then he decided that he needed to do other things and left the job, dabbling in this and that. The addition of children did not hinder his wandering from scheme to scheme, temporary this and that, this master of his own destiny.  No health insurance.  Dodging bill collectors. She has been diagnosed with an incurable disease and has maybe a year or so to live. He is angry and in denial, incapable of responding to or providing for the immediate needs she has as her condition rapidly deteriorates. Her best friend's husband installs the safety bars and does the work to protect her.  Her children are lost in their grief as Dad has checked out and Mom struggles...her speech is now slurred, her body in constant pain, and she worries about their future. Her family is angry. disgusted. frustrated that he doesn't see his irresponsibility and selfishness.

These scenarios are a picture of my past (#1) and the possibility of my future (#2), but neither are actually about me. 

Ironically, the angry family members in scenario #1 are my mother-in-law and my husband.  The man is my sister-in-law's husband. They are outraged at the behavior and choices of this man.  How dare he put her and the children through this mess? What about their future? Where will they live? How will he provide? Yet, the mismanager of my own household has walked an eerily parallel path. 

The couple in scenario #2 are new friends about 10 years older than me.  That cannot be me in a decade, still living this shaky lifestyle.  I refuse to allow the prophetic image of scenario #2 to occur in my life.

I was just like the dutiful wives of the fellows in the scenarios above.  Supportive. Encouraging. Seemingly content to put my needs/desires/preferences on the back burner. Except that the damage and destruction in every area of our lives became impossible to ignore. If I continued on as the long-suffering wife of this foolish man, then perhaps the accolades of the proper Christian wife would continue to be mine. 

Whatever. 

I would rather have a righteous life with a heart undefiled before my God, no matter the external judgments or pressure.  

The schemes and abrupt life changes, a sign I missed in the beginning of our lives together, have not ceased coming at me. The switcheroos. Never consulting me.  Our first apartment: we found one near work that was nice, then he decided to rent one further away while I was out of the country that was dirty and too small.  Our honeymoon was supposed to be in Paris, until he decided suddenly that he wanted us to go there at a later time.  He had no alternative plan, just this firm decision to cancel the dream, and we didn't go anywhere on our honeymoon.  Paris has never materialized. We went through the process of being missionaries with an organization working in Europe. After the process was nearly complete (a year and a half of planning/preparing), he decided that we should also go to Africa. My own experience as a missionary, the protocol in raising support, the commitment we'd signed didn't matter to his idea of "maximizing" our opportunity. Nothing can convince him otherwise when he gets an idea. He agrees to something until he decides something else.

It's interesting to me that the pressure "to keep our family intact," "to make choices that benefit the family," "to put the kids first" rests all on my shoulders. "I am destroying our family."

I say that the destruction has been happening for a long time. That every bad decision he made stepping right over me as I cried and pleaded with him to reconsider further damaged the stability and security of our present and future.  He's never honored the sacredness of unity in our marriage, bringing his mother and sister in as confidants from the beginning of our marriage. My requests for privacy were not respected.  They know everything about everything and have an opinion about it all.  He has been more intimate with them from the beginning than with me, his wife.  I would not have married him if I had known that he was already married to them - and I really mean that. He decides something, discusses it with them and gets their agreement, and then does it.  He really doesn't care whether or not I agree with it.  Soooooo, ultimately he is more married to them than he is married to me and I choose not to live like this anymore.  I will consult God about my life and my children.  Depend on Him. Live in peace. Live with honor. I will stand on the solid Rock that is God alone.