The Real Me

I was dancing alone in front of the mirror in my room,

something I used to do all the time.

And this song came on.

It exposed my heart.

To those invited to read this blog,

I know you see behind the painted smile.

And I'm glad.

Though I'd rather not be so broken and messy,

God is at work in my life.

He'll fix things, for His glory. 

The Real Me by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart 

looks like we're here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don't let anybody in
Hiding my heartache
Will this glass house break?
How much will they take before I'm empty?
Do I let it show, does anybody know?

But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Painted on
Life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I'm tired of the song and dance
Living a charade
Always on parade
What a mess I've made of my existence

But you love me even now
And still I see somehow

You see the real me
Hiding in my skin, broken from within
Unveil me completely
I'm loosening my grasp
There's no need to mask my frailty
Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see
When you look at me
You're turning the tattered fabric of my life
Into a perfect tapestry
I just wanna be me

Time Heals Nothing...

Time alone heals nothing.

It's what you do in that time that can bring healing.

I heard this today, and it clicked.

For years, I've been hearing, "It's in the past.  Stop dwelling on the past.  Just get over it."

From my parents who wouldn't acknowledge that their actions,

especially related to abandoning me while I was in labor with my first baby,

were damaging and mean.

From a spouse who kept making choices I disagreed with,

 that kept placing our family in an even more precarious position 

each time he made decisions on his own.

The best predictor of future behavior 

is past behavior.

I've heard that.  It makes sense to me.

It seems that those who continually excuse their behavior dismiss this idea.

I also thought that enough time had passed,

that twenty years of walking with the Lord equated to me being healed

of things I'd hardly ever shed light on.

Many things have been dealt with in my life.

I've aggressively pursued opportunities to deal with some of these issues.

Yet there are areas that are still in process.

And in the right time, God will help.

I just need to place things into His capable hands and trust Him.

Suffering

A post from my former Pastor in Georgia who is now serving the Lord in Africa.

If you've gone through your own difficult times and have suffered, 

maybe even have some deep scars, 

chances are good you know what it's like in the midst of pain 

to have people turn on you. Wow, what pain that brings. 

BUT, it's in the midst of "pain," 

tough times, depressing days, defeating news, difficult decisions, and discouraging times that we see God differently (if we turn to Him).  

As result of enduring pain, 

we change from being mere sufferers to wise counselors, 

valuable comforters, and actually become more like Jesus. 

After years of being in leadership capacities, 
I don't trust someone who hasn't suffered. 
The most valuable insights and wisdom I've ever received in life 

have never come from a novice. 

It comes from those who have scars, 

and by His grace and redemption, 

those scars are now stars reflecting God's gracious sustaining hand in their life. 

Don't run from tough decisions, heart-breaking news, abandonment, rejection, or hurt. As diamonds are made by pressure and pearls formed by irritation, 

so greatness is forged by adversity.

 Sound advice comes from God's Word and from those who limp, veterans of pain.

Parallels

There have been so many things coming full circle since January, so many parallel areas in my life (big and small) that I sometimes feel like I am living on multiple plains.

Or perhaps it's the best (or worst) of my analytical nature kicking in.  Hmm.

Example: my oh-so-cute-happy-40th-birthday nose piercing.  

I did it for me, after waiting more than 20 years to finally do it.  The healing was just about complete when my toddler bashed me in the nose.  Ouch!  Once, twice, too many times to count, the wound was reopened and the healing delayed.  He finally understood how sensitive Mommy was and has pretty much kept his hands away from my face.  The last few months have been fairly bash-free, but now the healing-delayer is me.  Make-up, over-cleaning, over-cleaning, over-cleaning keep irritating my piercing and it protests painfully.  Why oh why won't I leave well enough ALONE?  Because I think I'm helping.  That without my attention, things will get worse.  I do that A LOT.

This morning, my cute nose isn't so cute.  I had hoped to progress to a hoop, but I will now have to wait even longer.  Sigh.  And it's all my doing.  Doggone it.

The program I've been on since February really helped to streamline my life.  It required tremendous discipline.  This last week or so since I transitioned off of that phase to one with more choices has been sooo difficult.  My self-care has dipped dangerously.  I fluctuate all over the place. emotionally and otherwise.  I didn't shower for a number of days, but last night forced my self to bathe and indulge in a thorough spa experience. 

And I woke up sick.  It's sad that I associate stomach pains with my parents and ex, through the exorbitant amount of stress they bring me.  The stomach pains started after I had my first baby...interesting that the alarms sounded once another person was involved.  I've tolerated a lot in my life, but when things affect my kids, I get ferocious.

Since the birth of my first child, the Lord has been trying to get through to me how much He cares for me, how ferocious He gets when it comes to things affecting me.  I have kept Him at arms length, unable to receive that He considers me His precious one.  But our Lord is persistent and even more stubborn than I could ever be.  That message, sent in so many ways, has been trickling in and is producing a garden of hope in my heart.  

Freedom in God's Love

I've been reading/studying Malachi 2:16, the often referenced verse about God hating divorce.  It's been tossed into my face plenty of times...but has anyone ever gone deeper to ask WHY God hates divorce?

One article talked about the heartbreak God Himself experienced with the unfaithfulness of His people.  That He was provoked enough to press for a separation from them.  Another article broke down the elements of that entire passage - what was going on historically at that time and the lessons applicable to now.   

In my experience (and the experience of a number of ladies that I know), the burden/demand/effort/expectation/judgment has fallen upon us to "FIX" the situation, our marriages.  If we tried harder, submitted more, prayed fervently, encouraged, loved, twisted ourselves even more into a pretzel THEN the situation would improve.  I've been offered books to teach me how to be a better wife and even thousands of dollars worth of counseling to help me cope better and ultimately to cause me to change my mind that enough is enough.   

I'm not venting.  

I have seen God's hand move mightily on my behalf even in the midst of this current situation.  He hears my cry, loves me deeply, and shows me His tenderness.  I am awed by His closeness, the intimacy I am experiencing, the courage He gives me to face all of this openly.

The weird focus shifting of responsibility goes back to the Garden of Eden.  Adam remained silent as the serpent tempted Eve, though he was given the authority and responsibility from God.  He quickly pointed the finger at her.  

The word to leave and cleave was directed from the beginning to men; women by their very nature were already wired to do that.  I know all too well the pain that occurs when HE doesn't and won't leave the intimate company of his family of origin and choose to forge a new family system with his wife.

Finally, I received an answer to something that was a stumbling block to me since my wedding day, when I sat down recently with the pastor who performed the wedding.  In the ceremony, he gave a charge to the husband that I was his garden and that everyone would see how well he was cultivating/taking care of his garden.  Since being discounted, ignored, neglected, etc. was common from early in our marriage, the pastor's words bothered me.  Was it just a flowery saying for the ceremony?  Did he mean it?  And what was I supposed to do as the neglected garden???  I brought it up in our recent meeting, and the answer presented itself clearly to me:  I was to turn to the Lord and allow Him to take up the tender cultivation of me, now and forever His garden.  I was never able to see that before, so downtrodden and in despair.  Now my head is lifted up towards the Son, and my face radiates with the joy of knowing His love unhindered.  

 ¹FOR ZION'S sake will I [Isaiah] not hold my peace, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not rest until her imputed righteousness and vindication go forth as brightness, and her salvation radiates as does a burning torch.    ²And the nations shall see your righteousness and vindication [your rightness and justice--not your own, but His ascribed to you], and all kings shall behold your salvation and glory; and you shall be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord shall name.
    ³You shall also be [so beautiful and prosperous as to be thought of as] a crown of glory and honor in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem [exceedingly beautiful] in the hand of your God.
    ⁴You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord].
    ⁵For as a young man marries a virgin [O Jerusalem], so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.
    ⁶I have set watchmen upon your walls, O Jerusalem, who will never hold their peace day or night; you who [are His servants and by your prayers] put the Lord in remembrance [of His promises], keep not silence,
    ⁷And give Him no rest until He establishes Jerusalem and makes her a praise in the earth.
    ⁸The Lord has sworn by His right hand and by His mighty arm: Surely I will not again give your grain as food for your enemies, and [the invading sons of] aliens shall not drink your new wine for which you have toiled;
    ⁹But they who have gathered it shall eat it and praise the Lord, and they who have brought in the vintage shall drink it [at the feasts celebrated] in the courts of My sanctuary (the temple of My holiness).
    ¹⁰Go through, go through the gates! Prepare the way for the people. Cast up, cast up the highway! Gather out the stones. Lift up a standard or ensign over and for the peoples.
    ¹¹Behold, the Lord has proclaimed to the end of the earth: Say to the Daughter of Zion, Behold, your salvation comes [in the person of the Lord]; behold, His reward is with Him, and His work and recompense before Him.
    ¹²And they shall call them the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you shall be called Sought Out, a City Not Forsaken.                                                                                                                                                         Isaiah 62

I'm Tired, Lord help me in my desperation

The last week has been...difficult.

The anniversary.

The minefield of not only my emotions but the potential explosions from family members.  Last year, the family's behavior almost destroyed me.

This year, it was much, much quieter...to the point of being ignored.  Avoided.  They don't consider me in the inner circle of dealing with Mom's passing.

Oh well.  It's the pattern of this family.

In my current situation (irresponsible soon-to-be-ex with his head in the clouds living in another state and visiting my struggling with his health dad who lives in his own la la land) I feel very stuck. frustrated. and I am struggling to make sense of this life.

Where do I go from here and how do I get there?

My father has started with his criticisms.  I cannot stomach it, not as an adult who is doing her best to take care of him.  I won't tolerate his downward spiral of bad behavior - never have and never will.  It takes its toll on me.  And my babies suffer for me not being at the top of my game.  I'm weary. Sometimes desperate.  Today I drank for relief, after prayer.

Childhood was lonely except for my rich imagination.  I had my books and dolls.  In my teens I still escaped into books.

I got used to not having anyone else.  But it sure felt great to have a friend.  I have awesome friends now, but in the end no one can figure this out for me.  I have to walk this thing out.

I am so tired.  I don't want to mess up for my kids' sakes.  They deserve the best, and it breaks my heart  that they've already endured such a bad example of God's ways.  He's so not the author of confusion and craziness.  In taking them away from the madness, my desire is for them to see His Hand in the midst of all of this, His provision, His goodness and grace.

Lord please don't let me falter or fail.  Please let me be stronger, better, a good example for them.

I want God's best for my kids.  Their life should be about stability and fun and dependability and security.  For years I have been the one making Christmas and birthdays happen, often challenged by him and alone in it.  I've wanted to make every holiday matter, to make school rich and field trips fun.  When I run out of steam, they suffer.

My kids are so amazing!  Truly God's gift to me.  I long for them to have the happiest childhood memories, of tradition and warmth, a sense of history and family, their feet firmly grounded in God and walking closely with Him from a young age.

I've stood between them and my Mom when she couldn't control herself and took her wrath full on.  I've shielded them as much as I can from a foolish dad who puts them in crazy situations.  I haven't even scratched the surface about the precarious places/situations we've endured because of his choices.

By Your grace and goodness, Lord please let me step carefully, full of Your wisdom and guided by You.  Help me, God, for my children's sakes to make the best choices and forge a life of stability.  As You have helped me before, please help me again.  Be my Loving Dad and Nurturing Mom, My Guide, Shield and Protector.  My Lord and Friend, the Shepherd of my life and my kids' lives.

A Release of Emotions before the Anniversary

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my Mom's passing.

My emotions about it surfaced this afternoon as I was putting on make-up.  The memories of getting my Mom a job at the office I worked at and later letting her take over the care  of an invalid somehow started the tears.  Weird how grief manifests sometimes.

Then the realization hit. 

My Mom used to sequester herself away at home with no initiative to find outside activities.  I was the last child to leave the home.  She often complained about not having places to go, though she intentionally drove her friends away and refused to make the first move towards them.  She felt sorry for herself.   She resented my social life as a single woman.     

Though she wouldn't put forth the effort to make changes in her life, she looked to others to make the changes happen.  And it became our fault if she remained unhappy.

I remember how happy she was when she started working at my office, tidying up on a weekly basis.  I was glad that it worked out and that she had a reason to get dressed up and out of the house.  And when she suggested taking over for me towards the end of my time working with a girl in a body cast, I was glad to do that.  Her beaming face, filled with purpose...it was almost worth doing anything to see that face and experience the lightness in the house.  

But it didn't last, and I couldn't consistently be the one bringing purpose or meaning to her life.  The source of much conflict.  Numerous expectations. Demands. Consequences for not fulfilling them.

There's an insect or animal of some sort that after its young is born, they eat the body of the parent for sustenance and nourishment.

In my case, I'm not the parent.  But I recognize that pattern in my life.  From the time I was a child, my Mom depended on me for counsel, comfort and help.  I was supposed to make her feel better and anticipate her demands/expectations/needs.  Woe to me if I missed it.  Major problems came as I grew up and pursued my own interests, developed my own ideas and opinions, and was different from her.

Years of tug of war.  Wanting her acceptance.  Groomed to always consider her, I still had my own sense of self.  Nervous, never knowing when the outburst would come.  The angry arms striking, the hate in her eyes, disgust in the words she spat at me.  Years and years and years of this.  Up until a few months before she died.

I knew early on that I'd never be enough to make her happy and that I wasn't responsible for that.  Of course I didn't mind helping her and wished I could have done more.  But she required blood and all of me for sustenance, a price I wouldn't pay.  The cost was not having her approval or warmth for long, long, long periods of time.  She did emerge from the darkness to show her love at times, and I cherish those memories.  

I realize now that standing on my body to be elevated, to sacrifice my needs and peace in order to gain your own, to demand everything and not give anything, neglecting, stealing, letting me rot to get fat...these patterns are WRONG.  They were familiar enough refrains from childhood, so I participated in them in my marriage.  But the same me that had a sense of self that preserved me from childhood eventually emerged enough to say ENOUGH.  

And I don't raise my children in that same way.  I won't let them consume me to the point of my malnourishment nor will I extract my identity or purpose from them.  Only from God.  They are a big part of my purpose, but I am not them and they are not me.  

My sorrow melts into peace as I imagine Mom full of joy.  A year ago I held her, kissed her and whispered words of love before she departed.  I put my head in her lap and wept, and finally left her room.  The song "I Can Only Imagine" played on the drive home.  I'll never forget it.  One of the hardest days in my life,  but in perspective one of the best in hers.  

I think my processing these things, healing, letting go and growing will make her glad.  I am determined to be all that God has intended for me to be and to fulfill His purpose for my life.  

My Mom is at peace, fulfilled in every way in the presence of Jesus.  That makes me so happy.  My prayers for her peace have been answered.  Slowly I continue to process the damaged areas, allowing God to heal with Light and Truth.  Mourning lasts for a night but Joy comes in the morning.  The darkness fades, the illumination cleanses.  

I love you, Mommy.  I miss you.  I wish I could chat with you in Japanese - the loss of that connection is still so painful to me.  There's so much I want you to know about me, but in the many conversations we've had over the years, despite the difficulties in our relationship, I know that you knew me.  It's amazing when you think of the Bible studies we had together and how God swet up things so that you'd come to know Him.  I choose to hold on to your voice telling me how proud you were of me and let time erase the other words.  I have your letters urging me to be strong and courageous, to never give up, to continually challenge myself.  You'd be so happy to see me slender again.  I miss you, Mom.  When I sew or make something, you are still the first person I want to show.  I can't go into a Japanese restaurant yet because you're not there - that was our special time.  I know you tried to be the best Mommy you could.  Jesus, please step in and be the Mom I need until I see her again.